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The Most Painful Thing I Have Ever Experienced

The Most Painful Thing I Have Ever Experienced

Once upon a time, I scheduled an IUD insertion. Already I had learned everything there was to know about this procedure, and what was supposed to be involved (because y’know, internet) and I just wanted it the fuck over with.

My boyfriend drove me to the OB/GYN, and sat with me in the waiting room, which felt a lot like a cage. It was blocked off by large wooden dividers, so that nothing else was visible, and a half hearted attempt at a toy bin was placed in the center of the room. It contained about five chipped blocks and a few soiled books.

“I spy something… red.” My boyfriend looked at me. I didn’t answer him, and instead I sulked in an uncomfortable chair that was sunken in around the seat, probably by a pregnant lady.

Eventually my name was called, and we walked back with some disgruntled lady with a taught, perfect braid. I found out I had gained ten pounds since I had last visited a doctor’s office. Then the three of us went back to a small, dark room. A fluorescent light bulb flickered overhead.

I was told to undress. A woman whose face I do not remember laid out a number of alarming objects in a smorgasbord across the counter top before me, including one item that looked like a cross between a curved, sharp needle and an enormous syringe. It was the length of my arm.

A few minutes later, that item was uncomfortably inserted (pointy part first) into my vagina, and I really, really did not like it.

I’m not sure what I expected in retrospect, but still.

Before I go any further I would like to point out that it is common procedure with an IUD insertion, across the board in every doctor’s office I could find online, to do three things for this procedure.

  1. Proscribe your patient a cervix softener, to help with insertion

  2. Advise your patient to take 800mg of ibuprofen ahead of time to help with the pain

  3. Use a numbing agent directly on the cervix to aid with pain

  4. DON’T BE A SHMUCK

I added that last one myself because my gyno did none of these things! None. Of. Them.

And she tried to go forward with the whole thing any way.

While sparing some TMI details here, I’ll say that that aforementioned item was shoved and shoved and shoved into the opening of my cervix. It felt like being stabbed with a blunt dagger repeatedly. My boyfriend held my hand, and I don’t remember much of that moment beyond OWWW, and a fair amount of blood, but he says I started screaming and that’s when the doctor stopped.

“It looks like we won’t um… it um… it seems your cervix is too narrow,” she mumbled as she washed her hands hurriedly. “We won’t be able to do it.”

She left the room abruptly as I sat on the edge of the bed. And before I knew what was happening, I immediately started sobbing.

I couldn’t control it. I felt so violated and afraid, and once I recognized that I felt violated and afraid, I felt stupid because whose dumb idea was this in the first place? Mine.

When she returned a little while later, I was still trying to pull myself together, and as I sniffled and wiped away tears, she was trying in that Everything Is Okay Even Though I am Obviously Panicking way to tell me that my next option was the Nuvaring, and she was thrusting pamphlets into my hands haphazardly, and frankly I didn’t give a damn what she was saying in the unapologetic way that she was. I was crying and the last thing in my vagina was her hand.

We left after that.

My boyfriend was so good about this. I knew he only kind of understood what I was going through, while I cried on and off and clung to his right arm as he drove me home. But I knew I was loved and that is what mattered in that moment.

So, to summarize: Something sharped was jammed up my ass. It sucked.

The end.

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